Taken Away

I went out for lunch with my boss and i guess good friend yesterday. We worked together 18 years ago when i was a deputy and he a support worker, bow i am the Area manager and he the regional manager...my boss. We were chatting and i was talking about whether i would be leaving work because of my op or not. At some point i made a comment about when it takes me, the cancer, he doesn't like it when i say things like that and shies away from it.
Instead of ignoring it i challenged it, 'i was talking about that with people i know who have cancer too, we said how difficult it can be when you say things like this, we see our doctors and we know what they say to us, would i disappoint you if i died?' He said no but when you care for someone it is hard to hear that kind of talk and you don't want to acknowledge it.
Today i went to see my Oncologist, just before i left work the Bowel Nurse from Guys called wanting to arrange my scans at St Thomas's so that the surgeon would be able to see them. I explained that i was in-between two camps, the surgeon i saw with her in attendance in September was very gung ho about me chances, talking about a second bite of the cherry and paying no never mind to the situation with the lungs. I had been referred to him by my colorectal surgeon when it was discovered that i now had a tumour in the pelvis, worked out that it had been there at least 2 years from the start of the symptoms.
He duly sent me off to his oncologist to sort out radiotherapy who got me to sign a consent form where she ticked cure! i felt that this wasn't completely correct from what i had been told by the oncologist at Lewisham but who is going to refuse to sign for a cure!?
A week before radiotherapy was to start i had a call from the registrar at lewisham who clumsily tried to explain why he was calling, reading between his ramblings i realised that they were changing my radiotherapy regime. Later my oncologist at Lewisham was to explain that they had no idea that i had been referred to the surgeon at Guys and only found out at a planning meeting when they saw my name on the list. They immediately raised concern that my lung mets weren't being considered and said that the radiotherapy needed to be changed so that side effects weren't so great, hence the weeks delay.
They also ensured that i signed a new consent form...they took my cure away from me, which i wasn't surprised about but still signing for palliative and prolonging isn't fun.
I saw my consultant again this afternoon for the results of my latest CT scan. Gary the bowel nurse was in the room, the last time i saw him they told me that the lungs had tumours, so i said 'why are you here, you usually don't appear unless there is bad news?' He mumbled something about being around and wanting to come in when what he should have said was...'because it's bad news!'
The oncologist went on to tell me that the tumours in my lungs had grown a bit, and that there were more but that none of them were more than a few millimetres long. However this meant that surgery was not an option. That was tough, the thought that i have to live with this tumour in my pelvis, i wanted it out when i first heard of it and although it would be a huge operation i still wanted it out. But this isn't going to be, i asked if i maybe able to have it later...no, the lung mets are far more worrying and more likely to get me before the pelvic tumour. So i don't have to have major invasive life changing surgery and i am gutted!
Then he said that he wanted to get me onto chemo as soon as possible, to return in two weeks after having an MRI scan, he would contact the bowel nurse at guys re the scans arranged at St Thomas's.
What chemo was i going to have? Oxalyplatin and Capecitabine that i had before, they worked but i have had numb feet every since and this would likely make it worse, but the icing on the cake i will have Avastin too. Avastin always comes across as the end of the road chemo, i didn't think i was at that junction yet i feel well and healthy, no breathing problems, no pain, no weight loss in fact everyone remarks upon how well i look!
It's a lot to take in i shed a few tears, but i can always bring myself back. Gary the bowel nurse said he was there if i needed anything i said i wouldn't, he said he would be there, i said that i would be unlikely to call as i never need anything. On reflection i may have been a bit rude i don't know but i knew that i wouldn't call and was just trying to explain that.
I took the MRI request form up to X Ray, before doing that the nurse who i always banter with when she weighs me called me back saying don't you have an appointment to make with us? She could see the other form in my hand that i had forgotten about. Oh yes, so i went and waited for the appointment to be made Feb 2nd at 2.30pm.
This is hard, this is tough really, i have coasted up till now i think, always thinking i had a few more years at least and maybe completely blocking it out at times, but now it looks as though it is being shaved away. It's not easy to feel the creeping onset of illness when you feel so well though, but i am now getting a taste of it.
Luckily i walk to the hospital, it's a lovely walk through the park, apart from the guilt i always feel for having the walk without the dogs but the last time i took them with me and then tied them up in the park whilst i had a quick appointment, i came back to find a very well meaning woman had phoned the RSPCA to report them abandoned, luckily they hadn't come yet, and then when i went to have bloods done and a friend came with me to look after them Rudy ran off  immediately after i disappeared and remained missing until i came back. We spent a half hour wandering around the first park area looking for him until we gave up and walked over the spiral bridge that crosses the rail track and on towards where i had left the car only to find him sitting by it expectantly awaiting our return, that! i thought was very cute and loyal and forgave him the half hour wasted looking for him elsewhere....my friend however was less forgiving.
I walked back this time on my own to the same spot over the bridge and then over the river and through the newly landscaped river bank and river walk that the council put in last summer, at times you would think you were in the country not the middle of Lewisham. That walk is a godsend the cool late afternoon air clears your mind and just walking with your thoughts can calm things right down.

Luckily the boys were at Jam club after school so i had a while before they came home to compose myself.
And then i made the dinner.