Just one kind word.

Not sure why it happens but i woke up feeling just like i didin't want to bother today, another broken nights sleep due more to hot flushes i think now that i am menopausal, age wise but also due to the treatment i have had. I lay in bed and debated what to do and decided to take leave. Then recieved a message from my line manager saying he had phoned me at work and what was i doing. I messaged back that i didn't feel good and was aiming to start later but would be taking leave. He responded with if you are sick you need to take sick leave and phone HR. I have been using my leave when sick so that i don't get half pay and was told that this was an option by a previous head of HR.
I then got a call from school to say that Zaki had been found in a class using an eraser to mark a desk in a class that was being disruptive and that his response to the teacher was inappropriate, it just dragged the day down more.
I then tuned into radio two and the discussion on the welfare reform bill and everywhere i turn it seems that no one wants to help those of us fighting cancer. If i could just stop working and be at home for whatever time i have left to concentrate on fighting this disease who knows i could be around for ages yet.
All it takes is for one person to respond differently, my line manager took the party line, he didn't ask how i was or say he was sorry i felt unwell i am made to feel like i am shirking my duties, yes it is harder to be engaged at work but i have been. Has he forgotten that in the week before christmas i was working flat out on support plans and that when they were presented to the social worker on the 23rd Dec he remarked upon how good they were.The week that i orignally wanted to take leave. Ok i took leave from the 24th Dec for a week and then extended it for another week, but he has seen my annual leave card and that is the first time this year that i have had two weeks off otherwise it has been a day here and there to cover when i was feeling ill.
As i look well, walk with a smile on my face try and continue without going on about my illness and am putting on weight rather than losing....the typical response of a comfort eater everyone thinks i am fine. I am not, everyday i push thoughts of death and the detreitus that would be left in my wake aside so that i can function, but on occasion on days like today the walls crack and it overwhelms me. By the time the boys come home i will have pulled myself together and will be making the tea.
I don't either want to be a different person to who i am i am strong and i do manage through difficulties but don't look at me and think what you see is what is inside, and respect the fact that i have been through a major surgery then 6 months of chemo, innumerable CT scans and doctors appointments MRI, PET scan. I have suffered numbness in my hands and feet through oxalyplatin and left with numb feet still, i have lost my hair with Irinotecan and spent 24 hours awake through taking steroids. I have suffered sleepless nights through worrying about the future or having hot sweats bought on by my treatment. I travelled every day to St Thomas's hospital to have radiotherapy for five weeks and continued to work through. I have spent more time than i would like to admit sat on the loo because my bowels have protested against the various treatments they have been subjected to, and i haven't even suffered as badly as others in my situation!.....yet
Ok now sadness has turned into anger well a mix of the two. I really need to see if i can get early retirement i need to remember to talk to the docs about it on Thursday.