Dreams aint what they used to be.

There was a time when i would be dreaming quite heavily and everything that was happening to me in that dream would seem completely real, sometimes i might not want to wake up but on other occasions the shock, tension the terror and the sadness pervading the dream would make me wake up for a few minutes with the taste of it still in my mouth and my emotions, and then i would realise that it wasn't true and breath an imperceptible sigh of relief, put it behind me and carry on with my day.
Now the reverse applies i find myself feeling that same shock and that same terror, tension and sadness but i can't wake up. You often hear the words 'it's a living nightmare' and to be honest that is the nearest that i can describe the days, when the feeling of inevitability about my situation and the fact that my cancer cannot be cured, makes me feel like i am in a waking dream or nightmare, it is a very surreal feeling especially whilst i feel so well.

If i want to completely scupper the day.... well night usually, all i need to do is start to think about the boys and my demise and how it will affect everything and what i will miss, then the tears start to roll and my mind spirals out of control and suddenly you've been in this limbo of sadness for the whole night and then have to get up and start the day.
I have learnt not to go there now, i leave the TV on sleep as i settle down and the noise and pictures fill up the empty spaces in my mind where the bad stuff can take hold. When moving through the day i talk nonchalantly about my prospects and throw it into the conversation as if it is no more than a comment on the daily news. Should the conversation steer towards my boys i have to be careful that is my trigger for not being able to hold it together, so i have to quickly check myself if this happens.
But the weirdest thing now, is that i am finding on occasion when i go to sleep my dreams are lovely and i am well and i am in my future and the cancer isn't there, and it is wonderful and gorgeous to know that i will be here for years to come in the bosom of my family......and then i wake up to reality.