I'm sitting here thinking about what it is that has hit me today. I really shouldn't be surprised but i am, i have always been told that this isn't going to get better but i put that to the back of my mind. It's the gradual chipping away of the hope that makes it hard, and a big piece caming falling off today.
And what is it that makes me sad? It isn't the threat of my demise, it's the worry of what i leave behind, i love my boys but i sometimes think if i hadn't had them then i wouldn't have to worry about them. In terms of my loss i guess it is about missed events, missed grandchildren, missed occasions, missing sharing experiences. Not being there for them when they still need me, my two younger ones at least are not yet independent and able to manage as adults Joe the oldest is barely there himself but he at least is finding work and has a good relationship at the moment.
The other feeling i have apart from sadness is well it isn't a feeling it's a worry, i don't know how this will affect me physically and when?, it is like living with a timebomb. They ask how is my breathing?, my breathing is fine!! apart from me not being fit i see no difference, i feel no pain anywhere. What am i looking for? when will it start to affect me and how?
Now i feel even more that time is running out, i will have the next few months feeling rough from the chemo and i really want to make the best of what i have whilst i can do things. I want to travel with Zak and maybe the others, there is so much to sort out before i go, update will, de clutter house, have fun! do things i enjoy rather than having the stress of work.
So next thing is the practicalities, find out if the morgage is paid off should i go..if it is then i certainly won't pay it off with my pension i shall have fun with it. That's the next thing look to getting early retirement bit more tricky but in light of recent events shouldn't be that hard in theory in practice another thing, i am so good at carrying on, when i actually need to break down with it all. I am on Avastin for goodness sake it's the beginning of the end, whoever works whilst having their third dose of chemo!!!??. Just me because i am so afraid of everything crashing in if i don't and afraid of the same if i do!
Enough i need to sleep it's been emotionally draining today, i shouldn't have any problem drifting off.
I know how you feel....I am on Avastin and Irinotecan and apart from the odd twinge I feel fine...I try my hardest to push it to the back of my mind which some days it is easier than others but alas it is always there. I do wonder when it will start doing more that chip away and expecting it to hit all of a sudden but hey still okay at the moment.... T xx
ReplyDeleteHazel,
ReplyDeleteReally look into your medical retirement option because I recently discovered that Rab and Dj will be better off financially if I take the medical retirement option.
I wrongly assumed that the longer I work, the better it would be for them - but no, it's the other way around.
My DIS (death in service) benefit paid into my estate is *lower* if I die whilst still employed. You get a higher rate if you're pensioned off sooner.
Get some advice from your Union and HR dept.
Also, other practical stuff - have you got a life insurance policy for your mortgage? If yes they will pay off your outstanding mortgage on your death, therefore you keep your pension payment to have fun and leave the boys a little. Oh and also, both the boys (if under 18 yrs) would get a monthly pension from your work pension too.
Practical stuff takes up a huge amount of our time, but once it's all done you can think about relaxing for a change. Hugs xxXXxx
Thanks Carole, i spoke to HR yesterday about applying again to see the oh with a few to retirement. I think that i do have insurence on the morgage and had considered that already but i need to be sure, i also need to sort out my divorce which sounds awful, he is a good man in essence but as he has burnt his bridges with my oldest son i fear for his position when i am gone so need to do this, been putting it off for so many years because i didn't weant the bitterness. I have often wondered if this state of limbo has contributed towards stress and ultimately my condition after dealing with my parents deaths too.
ReplyDeleteI do know i have to stop work for my health and to use that time for the boysa nd the practical stuff as you say but i have no savings and i pay for everything, the idea that suddenly the money isn't there and the bills still need to be paid is what stops me.
I have a local authority pension which i have paid into since 87, some weird descison at 24 that a lot of friends knowing my lack of organisation etc are completley surprised about...there are a few things i have done in the past that seem to have led up to this event, sickness protection which got me out of a hole when i had my op.
Anyway thanks for the advice i do appreciate it and the info about the link to when you leave work is certainly new to me and very useful.
Tony how are you doing with the Avastin as i will be starting it soon with Oxalyplatin and Capecitabine, i had Oxy when first diagnosed and it was 3 years before the lesions in my lungs started doing anything so i am hoping that it gives me a more time than the irinotecan did last year...although it did reduce them.
Yes the waiting is the worst i have found myself over the last couple of days checking my breathing now and again to see if it has changed, it hasn't no one can tell me what to expect though, just how's the breathing!