Cold Relief

When would you ever feel relief at getting a cold? well in my case when you thought that the cough and change in breathing was down to lung mets, i think i am ok for now. I guess the clue should have been in the fact that all three boys have been struck down with colds, Joe and Zak last week and Adam at the moment, i do think the signs are manifesting themselves especially as i have taken tomorrow off to see Zaki singing at Felix School of Rock {FSOR} I also think i have a meeting in the morning about the new colorectal group for Lewisham, i may have double booked as i arranged to see an old work colleague at 12pm too....ooops hopefully i can fit it all in Zaki doesn't perform until 3pm.

I popped to see my GP yesterday as i felt i needed to be referred to St Christophers Hospice, at the moment so that i have support for when i have to tell the boys that i really won't get better, i want to do it properly i have ballsed it up so far as i find it so difficult to tell them the complete truth as they get so emotional if i do, and i still don't want it hanging over them like it did when i knew my parents had cancer, especially with my dad i couldn't visit him without the thought of losing him ever leaving the back of my mind and on so many occasions i would well up and have to fight back the tears and carry on. Now i think i have learnt in that respect tears aren't so bad, but we weren't openly demonstrative as a family so i would have found it excruciating if i had then

My GP is lovely i have attended his practice for well about 24 years as i was there before Joseph was born, in fact i attended ante natal classes with Dr Majid and his wife so i know they have a son of the same age.

He was very supportive and gave me a referral form to fill in, he told me to make sure that if there was anything that the surgery could help with to let them know, he asked if i had any support, i don't really and he commented with 'you've always been strong' which tends to be the stock personal trait of mine. I am but i think it is at the detriment of other qualities that i think i should have, to be strong it is easier not to feel too much and i think this is something i lack. i don't have a good network of close support, well at the moment anyway, no parents, no siblings, no grandparents....never knew them anyway,no husband...well one that is useful anyway! no cousins nearby, i was the cousin 'left behind' and the youngest :o) I have 6 cousins John the oldest in Scotland, his sister Valerie in South Africa both my mum's brother Joe's children, i am most like them Valerie and i are the most alike out of all my cousins, Then there is Katherine in Paris daughter of my dad's oldest brother Gerald, then Stephen and Keith in Australia dad's youngest brother John's boys and they have a sister Helen who now lives in Hong Kong.
I then have my second cousin Suzanne who lives near Hastings, her mum was my dad's cousin....we are the closest of the lot more like sisters. Her three boys  are all the same age as mine and she will be ensuring that my wishes are met when i am gone, she's nag bag and we e mail regularly about my situation and hers with her boys who ...well too much to discuss here but have more than their fair share of health issues, i may illuminate another time.

Once i finish work ..... well hopefully that will pan out the first thing i need to do is see a lawyer and work out what i can do and what the best thing to do is financially and personally, i am assuming i would need to divorce the boys father which i have avoided for the last 6 years because i couldn't face the acrimony, he still lives here and we are civil but he harbours an enormous amount of bitterness towards me, i think i will touch on that at a later date, there are always two sides to any story and i am no angel, and i think the boys would probably in the future be interested in what the reasons were for our break up, well mine anyway.
Oh enough i am chilled i may just go and have a warm bath and an early night.