I have been reading the columnest Sue Carroll's account of her battle with pancreatic cancer today, she died on Christmas Day, and co incidentally Pat on Eastenders was told that she had cancer and i watched her face crumble.
It made me think of when i found out i was dealing with cancer and to be honest the actual moment i am not sure of. I think it was indeed when the Doc did the colonoscopy and then told me that he thought it was malignant, but that was a few days after i arrived at the hospital....did i know before? Certainly whilst on holiday and sitting in Luxor Hospital it didn't occur to me that it was cancer, not even on the flight home or after being admitted to hospital.
I think it was when he told me, and i think i just thought ok cancer we'll just remove it and that will be that! and i guess the swathe of tests and scans and docs coming to discuss the op took my mind from it as i was concentrating on the operation itself, by the time i got to reconcile myslef with the fact i had cancer they had removed it!.
I continued on towards and after my op with the same appoach until i was told the outcome of the tumour staging. Somewhere in between staging had obviously been explained to me because when they told me it was a C i remember being very upset that it wasn't a B as i expected. The registrar told me very matter of factly with two junior doctors in attendance, his bedside manner left a lot to be desired...later he was to check my wound with the same two juniors, explaining to them with me lying on the bed, that this is what we do with an infection best to get right in and remove as much as possible... whilst actually doing it. Didn't hurt but was uncomfortable, i could see the Juniors squirming and then the ward sister walked in suddenly and took a sharp intake of breath! she later apologised as she hadn't expected to come across him dealing with the wound......glad i wasn't able to see.
Being told it was a C did make me cry a bit, the sister tried to console me with a hug, which isn't the best move in my case but i dealt with it and just sat quietly after they had gone. Deep down i have always believed that it would be eradicated. For the three years post chemo i talked about having had cancer i felt well was back at work and all was ok my future was all ahead of me.
Today it seems bleaker, the symptoms of the pelvic tumour haven't gone away as i had hoped they would with the radiotherapy and i know that to beat this i will have to have the huge op. I still somehow think that the lung mets are not as significant as i keep being told, well i guess i also do realise that they are too. So the big op is still a debate, though i still feel that if they are confident of removing the pelvic tumour then surely i should let it go, what would i suffer if they didn't.........but then i will suffer if they do......but then i need the time with the boys what ever state i am in.
I have come to the understanding over the last few weeks that if i did not have the boys to think about then i believe that i would not want the op on the pelvis. It scares me silly because of how much it will take away and change me. Although i am not hugely bothered about my hair, i don't like the change that has been thrust upon me.
I also very often think i wish i hadn't had the boys to leave them without me. Of course i love them dearly and wouldn't not have had them but if i hadn't had them i wouldn't feel so bad about leaving them behind. The only!!! time that i may get upset talking about hte cancer is if i talk about the boys and i never know when it will catch me.
I was chatting to my neighbour about it all a few weeks ago and of course he knows the boys living on the other side of our semi detached properties, such good neighbours to be able to do that! and we talked about the boys and the tears welled up! I only get upset for myself when i think of all the big moments i will miss, relationships, grandchildren being an only child i always had this dream of one day at christmas sitting at a big table with the boys and their families all around me. I see old people here and there and i think how lucky they are how very lucky to have lived and be at the point that if i died today there would be few regrets because i lived a life and saw my family settled and managing. I always thought that somehow i would help with babysitting and be there to help out, something again i didn't have myself, endless treks to drop the boys at the childminders trying to juggle work and the the boys needs.
I have never asked why me, and i don't think why me..... why the boys? it is so unfair for them to lose me before they have really known me, poor Zaki since he was 7 the shadow of cancer has hung over him and if i have my way and see him to 18 what age is that not to have a mum!!.
I see how my relationship developed with my own parents, my dad till he died when i was 33 and then mum till 44 there was a substantial shift in those last 10 years and the boys will be deprived of their chance.
Ok so now i am writing this down it is getting to me, so i think i should sign off and concentrate my mind on other less emotional pursuits otherwise i will not sleep.
Well will just have to see what 2012 brings.
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