Changes

Fast approaching a new year and i was thinking today of how much cancer has changed me. More physically! this time last year i had shoulder length, albeit out of a bottle, blonde hair! Now grey and short. I have had to acquire a new brush, new shampoo, and new hair products. Everyone says that they like it but it isn't what i chose for myself.  Cancer the gift that keeps on taking, there isn't another disease i think where the cure can be worse than the illness itself, that can completely take away your identity, and induce people to give you the sad i am sorry look even before they have started to talk to you.....or as happened a few weeks ago leave you in an awkward kind of limbo when someone grabs your hand and tells you how much they are thinking of you as if you have gone already, i try and lighten the mood but hard when the individual is still working through being kind and supportive.....this is someone i never really liked and only had anything to do with me when i had something she wanted, i guess my prejudice got in the way of her kindness.
I am lucky i don't feel ill i don't have pain, in fact the only time it is a problem is when i have the treatment! I imagine in time this will change but in my mind at the moment it isn't there and it isn't coming. You don't pre empt the possibilities as it is too scary to contemplate.
The off days are the worst and especially those at night but they are rare i think i have had a couple since last year of being so upset at the prospect of not seeing my boys through their seminal moments or leaving Zak the youngest before he is 18.....and anyway what bloody age is 18! but it's the thought that with his brothers to support him he has more of a chance without me.
Anyway it's all good be here a while yet!