Friends!

As i wrote the previous post i made a decision to talk about hte great friends that i have made over the years, some only recently some for many years and some i don't see often but always treasure.

Best place to start is Chronologically

Jayne

Jayne and I on my 6th Birthday

Jayne and i met when we were five in Aldershot, her dad was in the paras and mine in the RAMC. We lived at opposite ends of a street within the main army estate. I vaguely remember when we met but her mum and mine had a sudden unforgetable introduction to our friendship. Jayne and i had met in the street playing and she came to play with me indoors. An hour or so later my mum heard a knock on the door and found a young girl asking if mum had seen her daughter Jayne as she was missing.....'yes she's in the back playing'
That set a friendship not only with me and Jayne but with our mothers and fathers too. We were both only children and when either of our parents went out we would stay at each others for the night. We were only a few months different in age but Jayne was tiny and i was tall. We argued a lot like siblings i think because we were used to getting our own way or not sharing, but equally we loved being together rather than playing alone. Jayne had bad asthma and exema, you can notice it on her knees in the pic. This meant that i became used to being told off for making Jayne laugh or not keeping things calm enough to stop her breathing becoming a problem. This was pre inhaler days and i remember Jayne being given a little tablet if she was weezy. We had great times in Aldershot going to saturday morning cinema, learning to ride our bikes, dressing up, catching ladybirds on the bushes on the estate and keeping them in jam jars! and of course dressing up for birthday parties.

The two of us older in norfolk

Our mothers on holiday in ilfracombe

Ultimately both fathers both called Peter left the army and moved to opposite ends of the country, Jayne to Plymouth and Me to Gt Yarmouth. But at christmas Jayne and her mum and dad would come and stay and in turn we would holiday in Woolacombe every year and part of that holiday was spent visiting Jayne. As we got older and into our teems the contact waned and i stopped holidaying with mum and dad. Jayne was a spirited child which got her into trouble at school she left early. In 1983 i was meant to go to Morocco again but at the last minute cancelled and instead went and stayed with Jayne and her parents. Jayne was a great artist and i was impressed with her art work that she had started to complete. I always loved her mum as she was young and fun and it was good to see her parents. We decided to come back to London and for the first time i hitched all the way it took us a day and we ended up on the south circular on the last stretch where we ended up with a lift to the bottom of my road!
I didn't see Jayne again for years after that, she married had two girls, divorced her dad died...of bowel cancer a few years before my dad died too. I visited a couple of times when in the area and then in the last three or four years we caught up again ourselves rather than hearing our news through our mothers...well mine had died so i guess that was where the need to contact directly came in again.
Jayne came up to visit with her partner and we went out and about around London, i have to say i didn't like her partner and later they split up and i said that i thought he was too self obsessed and frankly a bit odd. However a couple of years ago she married him, i guess being with him was better than being alone. They are into being freegens, and sound as though they have some religious background. Next time i am in Devon i will visit and in the meantime we keep up on facebook. We couldn't be more different i think in lifestyle and experiences but our shared childhood holds a lot of weight being only children no one else we know remembers what our parents were like and what live was like when we were kids and that is comforting for us both i think.

Debbie

After moving to Norfolk i ended up in the infant school class from hell. The teacher mrs Peek treated me appallingly and i was new! i was also quite deaf and during my time in her class had an operation to insert grommits, didn't stop her screaming at me at times when i didn't respond. She did that and worse it was an awful way to start a new life.
Finally i moved to the junior school and met Debbie. We became firm friends and as she also lived in the next road to me we spent most of our time together.
We played with pippa dolls, and made cardboard houses for them via blue peter. We had our first experiments with make up and walked to school together.
We remained friends through junior school and then moved to Grammar school together, but we weren't placed in the same class and after the first year our friendship drifted as we met new people. Debbie was very quiet where as i was loud and talkative but we complimented each other well.
After leaving school i didn't see her for a bit as i moved to London and she remained in Gt Yarmouth. Around 1983 i heard that she had been diagnosed with a brain tumour we were around 22 23 then. I met up with her on a visit home and we talked and reminised she had hair missing underneath her long locks where a shunt had been put in to drain the tumour op site. She was in great spirits and it was a good day. I didn't see her again, life in London took over my parents moved away and i no longer visited the area.
A couple of years ago i attended a school reunion and met and mutual friend. I asked what had happened to Debbie with a feeling that i would not get a positive answer. Indeed she told me Debbie had died about 10 years previously. I will always remember her fondly she was the first person i made friends with after my disasterous start and this helped my confidence somewhat, we enjoyed lovely innocent times together, just such a shame she was taken so soon.

Hilary

Hilary and her Husband Charles at my Wedding in 1988

I met Hilary when i arrived at the grammar school, it was by the skin of my teeth i think that i passed the 11 plus examination. My maths was and always has been atrocious but my english was at the other end of the scale and made up for my lack of mathematical skills.
I was designated Paget class house colours green only me and three other children went into this class from my junior school, two guys and me and another girl. She went and sat next to a girl she knew from gymnastics so i was left on my own. I gradually got to meet other girls in the class and one introduced me to Hilary as both our dad's had been in the army and we had lived at Aldershot. We went to school together and also worked at Woolworths together where Hilary's mum worked too, in our last summer Hilary came and worked with me at the night club too which was great fun. Hilary was quiet, good humerous and clever, we remained friends throughout the years at school, and when Hilary left to go to university in Hull i would go up and make the best of it myself joining in with the end of term balls and getting to know her friends.
Hilary and her uni friends organised a final year holiday in 1984 to the south of france camping. Hilary asked me and another friend from school if we wanted to go and we headed off by coach.......a terribly long journey. it was an 18 30 holiday and yes! they are just as bad as they are painted, i managed to excuse myself from most of the games but had a good time none the less.
Now believe it or not this holiday was the only time that i ever got drunk........out of my head drunk! We were eating a meal on a beach that we had been driven to by coach, the reps told us that as log as we were eating the drink was free but once the meal was over we had to pay.....Well!! that was it wine was poured into my glass and no sooner than it was poured i was encouraged to empty the glass. At the end of the meal iwas rather more loose lipped than i would normally be, at one point i have a vague memory of going paddling with a guy i had met on the holiday. I was told later that we both went in without removing our shoes which explained why i lost my sandals and why his trainers were soaking wet. In the end i threw up on the beach and sat with my eyes closed for the duration, i remember various voices coming to chat to me one of which was French and i think i had the best conversation in French that i have ever had. In the end i was dragged back to the coach by my friends, irregardous of me protesting and asking to be left there, i can understand this notion in other drunk people since. Suffice to say i have never been as drunk since and home not to be again.
Hilary married Charles and i attended her wedding as she attended mine. She later moved from Hull to lightwater surrey and we kept in christmas time contact. Then about 6 years ago i was at the business design centre in Islington with work on a stall at a work fair when suddenly i recognised the person standing in front of me Hilary!!!! we chatted and cuaght up after getting over the surprise and i made arrangements to visit her in Surrey which i did and met her parents again who i knew well from my youth. She has two boys now one the same age as my Adam and one younger. We haven't seen each other since but i notice that she has said that she will come to my birthday do via facebook! in october.

Caroline

Caroline was another girl that i met in my new class at school she and Hilary live din the next village to mine Belton she is in the grey tank top below at a party at the old school. Caroline was always very clever was fantastic at languages and maths as i remember. We had ups and downs with our friendship but always came back to being friends. Caroline went on holiday with me to Woolacombe one year and we spent a lot of time together.

Caroline left school before A levels to work in a bank which she still does. We lost contact really at that point and picked up again only a few years ago via facebook. I went to a firends birthday do in Norfolk earlier this year and Caroline agreed to go with me. The lext day i popped round to visit. We caught up and i discovered that at school she was having some family issues which would account for some of the times i guess that being friends was hard.
Caroline also apologised for blowing me up! but really it wasn't her fault really mine at the end of the day.
It happened in our cookery class in year 7. We had individual kitchen units to work in and i was in one with Caroline and another girl called Karen. I remember Caroline asking me if you have to light the oven?......i said i didn't think so not having gas at home myself i thought it would ignite itself, so Caroline turned on the oven ready to put something in later. In the meantime Karen needed to turn on the hob but was too afraid to, so i said i would do it for her........BANG!! as soon as i lit the gas the whole thing blew up as the gas had been collecting in the oven below. I was shot across the kitchen, sat there for a minute or two and then got up. The teacher ran around like a headless chicken and the other girls and guys well i don't remember they just were there. My tights were in rags around my ankles where the heat had melted them but i was ok, lol my hair was slightly singed too i think, but i wasn't black faced or smoking!
I carried on and finished what i was doing, i don't know where this laid back get over it appraoch comes from but it has stood me in good stead many times including reciving my diagnosis. The teacher commented to my dad later that she was astounded by my measured reaction.
An update Caroline came up for my 50TH Birthday party and if you look at the birthday post you will see a picture of me with her then.

Elaine

Elaine wasn't so popular at school, she had a reputation for being very strict as a prefect and we often found quivering first years in the sixth form block awaiting Elaines judgement. She was a huge character very gushing and loud and opinionated. Hilary and i were friends with her but quite frankly at times i think we were the only ones who would tolerate her. She had a boyfriend called Karl who we didn't much like but Elaine would talk about him as if he was an adonis......anyway the three of us ended up working at Woolworths together and then i helped them both get jobs where i worked at tiffanys nightclub. Again at the end of that summer we went our separate ways Elaine to become an art teacher which she had always wanted to be wehn we were at school. Again i caught up with her recently we met up to attend a school reunion together she looked great. There were a few girls from her class there one of which she told me had thumped her out of the blue, these were the netball girls who were the prettiest and most confident one of them said to Elaine that she was sorry for hitting her, there was no reason for it, it was just for a bet. That was the kind of thing that she had to deal with. Elaine told me that her dad who was my 6th form tutor had an awful drink problem and was a very difficult father. Again finding out what was going on in someone's background explains some of the experiences. We get on very well and Elaine is the best company we are very alike now more so than when we were at school.

Karin

Karin and i were in the same year at school but knew each other mainly from living near each other. We would cycle to school and back together and at weekends take our dogs for a walk along the beach. She loved animals as i did and that was our shared interest. We both worked once as prompts for the school play, this was initiated by me as i fancied the lead actor in most of the plays lee simpson.... One production was the crucible and as it was on a round stage we foudn the best place to be was underneath the stage. We had circled the pauses and sat in on all the rehersals so when we thought that more than enough time had gone we would shout out the next line. We had an unexpected guest during one performance, there was a short gangplank joining the stage to the main stage and Richard on leaving the main stage one night in the dark lost his footing and ended up tumbling off the stage to find me and Karin sitting there...not sure who was more surprised!
After A levels Karin went ot Brighton Poly and i spent a lot of time down there, in fact my 21st Birthday was spent with Karin in Brighton. Karin also went to morocco with me on holiday in 1984 i think. Karin met Simon her husband whilst working in a pub in Lowestoft they remain together after having one son and live in a lovely pat of Derbyshire.

School

Lee

I guess i should just mention Lee i was at school with him from the age of 7  and ultimately developed a huge crush on him. This doesn't end well he married a girl in the year below me Janita.......well not well for me but they have been together ever since!
What is even more interesting is that he is an actor and is a regular comedy store player on wednesdays and sundays at the comedy store. He has been in some tv programmes and films too. I keep meaning to go and see him and say hello someday. I did contact him a few years ago to see if he could get tickets for the comedy store for our school raffle which he did. Ah what might have been :o)
Below is his blurb from the comedy store.

LEE SIMPSON did his first show with the Players in 1989.
It was several months before he did his second.
In those early days he sported a beard and pony tail, and always wore a tie onstage. His reason being that if the audience thought 'Well he isn't funny..' they would also think 'But he's wearing a tie so at least he has made a bit of an effort'.
Taking cynical advantage of Paul Merton's broken leg he wangled himself a regular guest spot and became a full-time Player sometime in 1990. He thought very carefully about turning it down because at the time he was so terrified of doing the gig every week that he wasn't sure if his nervous system could take the strain.
Lee Simpson grew up in Great Yarmouth by the sea, where he found gainful employment cooking burgers in a Wimpy, as a croupier in a casino, and as a cinema projectionist.
Unable to get a proper showbiz job, he became an improviser. The money was bad but there was precious little hard work involved and the people seemed nice.
Since then his activities might (if you were being kind) be described as diverse. As well as his twice weekly appearances with the Comedy Store Players, he finds himself

writing plays with Phelim McDermott for the Nottingham Playhouse and the Royal Court

appearing in some sit-coms - TERRY AND JULIAN, DROP THE DEAD DONKEY

co-devising and narrating THE MASTERSON INHERITANCEfor Radio 4, for whom he's also done stuff like JUST A MINUTE and QUOTE UNQUOTE

spending time in tu'penny ha'penny theatre - making small, odd productions that stretch the definition of theatre and the credulity of the audience, invariably presented by the company of which he is a co-Artistic Director,IMPROBABLE

directing Paul Merton's latest one man show

acting in some proper telly drama and films - FAMILY MONEY, BLACKEYES, QUEEN OF HEARTS, PAPER MASK, NUNS ON THE RUN

performing a very poor poodle act at the London Palladium

and spending six months as a Breakfast show Dj

Phil

After i left school and moved to London i met Phil at my first job where we worked together. This was in a home for people with Learning Disabilities in South East London. Phil was from Devon and like me worked as  CSV i had done this the year before and had now managed to get a permanent job there. We got on really well and after a year or so Phil left and went to work in another home in the area about a couple of years later i ended up there too. When i got married Phil was there and although we lost contact for some years in between we caught up again and i remain in contact now. He is an only child too and we are like brother and sister from a different mother and father. He had a son with a woman he met through work who i couldn't abide hence the lack of communication for a while. We got back in touch with each other when we bumped into each other at Glastonbury the first year that i went. I did know he was going to be there as i had managed to contact his partner, but she of course never told him this. We spent the whole of the weekend together with our boys which was great for me as i had gone on my own with them.....that's a long story. 

He now lives back in Devon on a huge and beautiful farm on the banks of the tamar which is father and he runs with the help of a farm manager. He also opened his own home for children after getting his social work degree. 

About a couple of years ago on a visit we caught up with someone we both used to work with and now they are going out together, which was a little odd for me at first, but all cool now i am used to them being an item. It is likely that she will move to Devon at some point so will be nice to visit them again down there. I went with the boys a few years ago and they have great memories of playing on haystacks and then driving Phils car around one of the fields at ages 6 and 10 Joe didn't go and has always regretted it. My memory is of riding shot gun on Phils tractor as he showed me around the farm.

Jan

Jan and i worked with Phil at the same home she came around the time he left. We got on really well and we remain friends to this day. She is tinier than me but we have very similar characters. She had her daughter Jade and then son Lucas before me, i had Joe just under a year after Lucas was born. Whilst the kids were growing up and after we both moved to different jobs we only saw each other intermittently. Then before i had my op we got in contact and caught up she had left her husband steve and i was separated from Rachid, i was just about to go on holiday and said we would catch up when i got back. Both of us had no idea that the next time i would see her would be from my hospital bed! But as soon as she heard i was there she came down to see me. 

We have become even closer since then and have spent many a night out on the tiles having a good time and a dance, we have never argued once or got on each others nerves and i don't think anyone knows more about me than Jan. I also remind her frequently that she is older then me by a few years, although she really doesn't look it!

Ann Takes the lead!

I read Ann's blog today and it gave an interesting history of her life, Jill did the same thing and i found it useful to see the background that people have had, i think we make suppositions about people and have new insight when they reveal more of themselves so to that end a potted history will follow..... i expect my boys to see this one day too and a history of my life so far might interest them one day.

Me a year old

Me and Jayne my mum and two of my cousins one french one english.

In singapore

With one of the nurses on leaving hospital

Dad and me when he was ill

So Born 25th October 1962 a year and one month after my parents married both for the first time Dad at 34 mum at 39 she had me at 40 so a much older mother than a lot of people may have had in those days. Only one of my grandparents was alive at the time my Dad's dad and he died when i was 6 months old. Around the same time my dad was diagnosed with prostrate cancer and i was given 50 50 after dehydrating and having febrile fits....my mother miscarried before having me so i made it by the skin of my teeth. They couldn't have more children but dad at least after radiotherapy got the all clear, it is only now that i really have thought about what he and mum must have gone through at the time.Dad was in the army the Royal Army Medical Cour so we moved around a lot from Hounslow, to Singapore, colchester, Mill Hill, and Aldershot which i loved. I met my friend Jayne there at age 5 and we are still in touch, whilst living in Aldershot  dad decided to leave the army after 22 years and secured a job as head of haematology at a hospital in Gt Yarmouth Norfolk. Mum never worked but before marrying had worked in labs too doing research and taking bloods. They both met at night school in London.
We moved to Gt Yarmouth when i was 8 our house wasn't ready to move into so we rented holiday homes until it was. I just remember going to one school for a short while and then moving to another.

Singapore with Dad

I had the great misfortune of joining a class in my new school once we got to our own home, with the worst teacher i have ever known....Mrs Peek! Her son was later to be knighted and be responsible for all the beacons lit across the land for the millennium and most recently the diamond jubilee. I digress she was awful had favourite pupils and treated me appallingly as i wasn't one of them, i had glue ear too and was significantly deaf before i had an op to have grommets later in the year, i used to suddenly find her shouting at me, as i obviously hadn't heard her, she was awful awful treated me so badly. It wasn't the best way to start a new life and i wished that dad hadn't left the army as i enjoyed that life much more.
I lasted a year in her class and then moved to Junior school, i hadn't made friends yet and finally met a girl called Debbie who lived in the next road and we became firm friends. Debbie and i drifted once we reached Grammar school as we were in different classes. I saw her later on after we both left as i had been told that she had suffered a brain tumour. She looked well and happy and we reminisced and that was the last i saw of her, a couple of years ago at a school reunion i was told that she had died about 10 years ago.
My parents always encouraged me to have friends as i didn't have siblings and i started having parties at home initially tame affairs with a few girls and a token boy but they developed into bigger dos and as my mum was responsible for booking the local village hall they expanded and we had them there. Any excuse for a party!!! They did become the stuff of legend and people still remember them.
As kids we just think that everyone lives like you i think, since leaving school and recently catching up with old school friends i have discovered things about them that i never knew at school. That Caroline after going on holiday with me arrived back home to be told be her dad that he was divorcing her mum, and how they both moved her between each other......that Elaine's dad who was my form tutor in 6th form had a drink problem and was a tough father. I never knew this but then they weren't aware it seems that my mother suffered from Manic Depression and would sometimes be sectioned or i would have days and weeks of her ups and downs to deal with. I remember coming home from school one day to find a hole in the glass panel of the front door when i went in i found a policeman, doctor and social worker i guess and dad with mum as she had blacked out apparently and put her head through the door. They were in the process of sectioning her, that was out of the ordinary but i obviously never told anyone, that was my life. What must all of us have been going through as kids and never telling our friends. My mum's depression lasted the rest of her life and became worse after dad died, it was certainly never dull especially when she was on her highs!
in 1979 i read a magazine called FAB 208 linked to radio Luxembourg which i used to listen to at night under the covers with the signal waxing and waning, it was the only late night popular radio station to listen to. In the magazine was an article about gateway clubs for as it was termed in those days the mentally handicapped, now people with a learning disability. I decided i could volunteer and without telling anyone went along to the local club and helped out, which i did for the next two years until i left home.

My first job was in Regent road in Gt Yarmouth in a restaurant making desserts and teas and coffees i then secured a weekend job in Woolworths i loved it there and towards the end of my time in 1981 was working nearly full-time, i also got an evening job in Tiffanys nightclub doing the food, chicken in a basket etc in the oasis tower on the seafront, i never did bar work as i couldn't add up!. That was a great summer of radio 1 dj's and various bands coming to play, beach barbeque's and discoing after the club had shut.
In 1981 after finishing my A levels i came to London after a meeting with a careers adviser who told me about CSV an organisation that places people in a social care setting anywhere in the country. I ended up at Holmbury Dene a home for people with learning disabilities in South east London where i worked for a year as a volunteer and then got a permanent job with them.

dad and Adam 2 months before he died

In 1983 i worked in a home in Bromley, then for Greenwich Mencap moved to A home in Lewisham in1987 as assistant officer in charge and after that to Southwark as a deputy in 1993. In 2004 i applied for a managers post and was successful then later in 2007 whilst i was still off after my op i was offered a service manager post temporarily which i did for the next 2 years. We then had redundancy looming and i applied for the area managers post which i got which entailed managing two homes instead of one for no more money...recession. In April 2012 i retired due to ill health.

Joe cuddling Adam

One of the last pics of Mum

Zak

Rachid

In 1982 i went on holiday with a friend to tangier in Morocco, where i met Rachid who later on would come to the uk to visit and whom i would eventually marry on 23rd Sept 1988, the same date that my parents were married in 1961. We had Joe in on 8.2.92 then Adam 16.4.96 and finally Zaki 22.11.99. Unfortunately a couple of years later we drifted and he ended up living in a room downstairs which he still does. We have had difficult and bitter times in this situation but presently we get on and he is being a bit more helpful than he has been. Dad died of cancer in 1996 and mum ten years later in 2006 nine months before my diagnosis, of cancer too.
So there are obviously loads more things i could tell you but i think this is enough.

Summer of Love

I have loved the summer of sport that descended upon the capital in July. Initially i didn't get on board and especially as you could only use visa to buy tickets....all my credit cards are mastercards i didn't buy tickets in advance. However as the games started i was hooked watching the frantastic acheivements of our sportsmen...i use the term generically here. I was lucky to attend some events because of good friends who had tickets to spare, including someone from the Beating bowel cancer forum! This enabled me to take the boys to the paralympic athletics. We loved it we cheered and stood in awe of the fantastic atheletes. We watched the blind long jump ...... in silence that is the other overwhelming experience to sit in silence in order to enable them to acheive, we did the same at the equestrian so we didn't spook the horses. A singular experience, the girl who eventually won the long jump encouraged us on her last jump to clap along as she had already won and boy did we cheer and clap till our hands were sore.

Danny Boyle and the Boys

It was lovely to have a day with the boys and we headed off to Westfield afterwards for a bit of shopping, something we all enjoy far too much. I love to spend time with them which doesn't happen so often now that Joe is 20 and Adam 16 they have their own lives to lead away from their mother, and Zak is moving that way too. They have their moments but i am proud that on the whole they get on, chatting joking and ganging up on be together at times. We had a lovely day and returned a couple of days later to attend the closing ceremony of the paralympics. We had great seats looking head on, they were still within the main body of the crowd and it was with exreme surprise that i turned in my seat to be confronted with the face of Danny Boyle who was responsible for the main opening ceremony, i quickly hissed to Joe and the boys so as not to be too obvious as you do that...it's Danny Boyle 'where' there just behind me!!! Joe immediately jumped up and landed next to Danny who at the time with his wife was tryingt o sort out his seats by asking us which numbers we had so that they could orientate themselves....turns out they were to the left of us across the aisle in the same seats. He was very nice and kindly stood with my then all three boys to have his photo taken with them, and they in turn were in the camera lenses of all the people behind and along from us who had just cottoned on to who they were standing with.
At the end of the evening as we left the park we came across a brass band a small affair playing modern tunes with trumpets drums etc and a huge tuba! The joint was rocking everytime they finsihed one song the cry ran out for more not least led on by my three boys. They were dancing and singing and encouraging others to do the same, at one point they were so entertaining that they became the next main attraction to the band itself, the conga'd around the park and whooped and hoollered for more. When Zak complained of thirst a woman who was wlaking away next to us handed him a bottle of water. People chatted and shook hands on departing. Games makers smiled and showed us the way home and Policemen did the mobot en mass.
Great times and great memories for the boys to store. It was for me a relief to see that they are able to hold their own and get along, it always comes back to what happens if i am not around, i think they will be ok it will be hard but their lives will go on without me......spectacularly!!!

No mans Land end of Chemo...... for now!

Finished the last of the capecitabine tablets yesterday which means this cycle of Chemo is over ........ yay no more feeling tired and hands and feet hopefully will return to normal soon they have been sorely tested with this last lost of capecitabine i think because the dose was increased when i stopped the oxalyplatin. I wonder if i had continued with the oxy whether these mets might have been blasted more thoroughly should i have been stronger and continued longer? I know that it probably wasn't as bad as what others go through a little sickness but not loads it was just that the symptoms were making my feet worse and i was worried that i would have permanent neuropathy in my hands.....but is that the price i have to pay? They have said i can go back to it again if need be. Maybe further down the line longevity will seem more precious than it does now. I find it hard at the moment to feel like i am fighting for my life as i feel so well, but in essence that is what i am doing every day!! and will i feel i let the boys down in the future for not being strong enough now. It's such a hard road at times......for now i need to get back to making the most of my time rather than letting the days slip away as they have done lately. I need to get my feet sorted they are sore leathery numb and i have achilles tendonitis to boot! Walking especially after a period of rest is a lumbering affair in the morning i have to take the stairs one at a time like an old woman!!
Well scan next week doc the day after and then what happens next!!?? for the short term i am entering no mans land that bit of no chemo in between the march of the mets! where nothing is being done and we play the waiting game!

From dates to demise

Well since i last wrote two important dates passed by on July 30th marked 16 years since i lost my Dad to cancer. I had always been very positive until that point about how cancer can be beaten, dad had it when i was a baby he under went a course of radiotherapy, i don't think he had chemo then this was 1963 i made it by the skin of my teeth, mum and dad married in Sept 1961 before i was born mum miscarried and i arrived the following year Oct 1962 right in the middle of the Cuba crisis what kind of world did they think i would join? Mum rode through the winter of 63 keeping a small baby warm, and then i don't know when each event happened but i was taken ill around 6 months with febrile fits and dehydration which they thought i may die from and dad had his cancer. It is only now really nearly 50 years on that i can appreciate the turmoil that she and he must have gone through, how lucky i was that i survived and that Dad beat the odds and lived for a further 33 years, only to have the cancer return practically to the same spot but on the pelvic bone, so painful. He remained with us for 9 months from diagnosis, i was pregnant with Adam at the time and life was good, i finally had the second child which would mean that my Joe would not have to live his life as an only like me. The day that mum called to say that dad had cancer i think i would have to say was the worst of my life to date, i think that bolt from the blue that indicates that your life is going to change forever is hard to take, for me even harder than actually losing him if that makes sense? it was all encompassing and i just couldn't take it in. I asked to be told what i was having so dad would know but they couldn't tell me and in the end he was still alive to see Adam who was born three months before he died. So every year i know that whatever age Adam is that is how long it has been since i lost dad.
The other date was the 8th August mum's birthday a week before a friend told me that she had a spare ticket to go and see the show jumping at Greenwich, just around the corner really i live very near. Her mum was going and brother and girlfriend, who i know, it was so apt! Mum would have loved the Olympics she loved sport any sport far more than dad did he was more inclined to go and tend the garden or his allotment than sit and watch football or tennis or show jumping which was her favourite, she rode horses as a child and encouraged me to do the same i would head off down the marshes each Sunday for riding lessons. One of my best memories is as a 12 year old or so galloping along the cliffs in Devon on our annual summer holiday. They knew me well enough now to let me hold back from the rest of the the riders and then gallop to catch up, i loved it racing along the cliff path as fast as i could go , very free and aware of the salt sea air and the connection with the horse taking me on this fantastic ride no theme park can give more of a thrill. So show jumping on what would have been mum's 90th birthday was apt very apt and i thought of her often as i watched them jump with bated breath.

Nick Skelton 

Typically the day i attended was the only day the GB team didn't win a medal!

The Egg Man!

I like the rest of the nation was enthralled with the Olympics and how well we were doing i took to checking the website occasionally for tickets, the last day suddenly tickets for the closing ceremony appeared, they weren't cheap but there they were! i clicked continue a few times till it seemed that yes they actually were going to allow my to buy them! oh boy should i shouldn't i? excitement took me over and i pressed the final button....once in a lifetime!!! me and Joe as the two youngest boys were going camping and if i had to choose i wouldn't i would have maybe not got them or gone with a friend. Adam still doesn't know that we went... It was phenomenal just to be in such an atmosphere. We arrived early and watched them set the stage then for an hour before the broadcast Andy Collins who met once and is noted for his ability to warm up the crowd, kept us amused and told us where they would like audience participation. We had to count down to nine and then announce it's 9 o clock which we seemed to do pretty well. When the pet shop boys came round we were supposed to all set our camera flashes off at once but that didn't happen. We were asked to sing along with Freddie which i think really didn't need stating and lastly to go Wooooo when Russell Brand announced that he was the egg man. I have to say that my favourite section was singing along to always look on the bright side of life, Dad loved it and i considered asking mum to use it at his funeral, but i didn't think she would have approved....singing it was joyous along with the national anthem in a roaring 80 thousand people crowd. We will rock you wore my arms out but not my voice, i even sang along to one direction! Was it worth it?.....i think so

Joe and I

Leaving the stadium was great fun a brilliant time with policeman posing doing the bolt or the mobot, having pictures taken with woman in blue suits with light bulbs on their heads.... flames wandering around as all the dancers etc didn't bother changing when they left. We sat on the DLR with a group of Morris dancers from Bristol who had auditioned for the games and ended up dancing with Eric Idle, they had green and red ragged tops and the bell on their legs of course jangling their way home, which happened to be in a tent in a garden in Catford where one of the troops parents lived....22 of them!! no expenses were given it seems only food boxes each day of rehearsal, their treat was to watch the rehearsal for the opening ceremony.
We queued for a cab at Lewisham with others who had been there, it was interesting how the spectators spread you could see them dotted around the bus stops in lewisham.
Finally another person i have met through our shared experience of having bowel cancer died last week. His name was Mark Browne, i never met him but we hooked up on Facebook a couple of years ago and since then we have exchanged messages a few times but in the main i just watched what was going on from a distance. He was out spoken and part of what i could see was a very loving family with three teens and a devoted wife, he was her Alpha a man's man he worked out in the gym and drove a van for a living up and down the country. He only stopped this a few months before passing, i noticed in the last couple of months that he had a problem going into hospital and then was shocked to see a pic of him, no longer the boys builder but very thin and looking quite frankly ill. He had a long time carrying on as normal like me, i truely feel his loss obviously from a distance, but it has also scared me a bit because of the rate of his decline, i have always imagined having time that deterioration would take place over a longer period of time. I think when you lose someone in your 'cancer community' it is always hard, but harder too because you wonder is that my pathway too? and it brings it home to me that it is likely to be me one day, i feel so well that i put those thoughts aside completely the reality of my demise is not present just yet, how will i feel when it is.....i may turn out to be a very different person than i am now, or maybe i will just go with the flow as i have done to date. Time to cancel those thoughts out i need to sleep......RIP Mark Browne x

Control

I was thinking tonight how annoyed i am with cancer for affecting who i am....not internally but physically yes should be the least of my worries but i didn't choose to have short grey hair, i guess i can change that but at the moment its a cheap option.
I have aged too.....maybe i look the same as i would anyway but i can't help thinking that it has happened more quickly.
Potassium deficiency turned me into an old woman hardly able to work up to a good pace anywhere i walked and if i did i was acutely aware that it was an effort. Early menopause, however i seem to be coping well in this area.....weight gain... comfort eating between chemos and my hands! and feet! The capecitabine has turned my hands into leather, tight dark coloured and itchy! dry skin cracked on one finger and my feet no better cracked and sore and dry and a funny colour.
Don't get me wrong i love the idea of getting old it is a privilege and one i will be very lucky to experience, when i see old people i envy them now their ability to get to an age where their kids are grown and they can play with their grandchildren, if only i was ten years older i could at last have experienced possibly my boys marriage or first child and know that they were old enough to ook after themselves. As it is the aim is to see zak to 18.....! 6 years and for goodness sake 18 is no age anyway.
I think losing control is why i sometimes take control in my own way. I am notorious for arriving at chemo sessions or blood letting at a time that i choose, i don't meant to be flippant or unreliable but i think it is my subconscious  control mechanism. I made a deal to leave hospital by going back to have an intravenous antibiotic...i didn't.
 Don't get me wrong i wouldn't do anything that would greatly affect my health but one doc had already indicated that she didn't think infection was my problem and neither did i....... i am still here!
Going on holiday,  deciding how to manage my hands and feet, arriving late being flippant about my situation, it's control i know how i feel, i don't like being dictated to.......maybe not the best way of dealing with things but it suits me!

Camp Bestival Hospital and re arrangements!

Drove off to Dorset to work at Camp Bestival on Thursday, wasn't a bad drive but on arrival i had to have a little kip on the grass in the sun. Zak and i headed off after my little siesta to get stores, noticing a sign to Lulworth Cove we did a detour and found ourselves amongst a mele of people with blow up boats and nets all prepared for their day out. It was hot so we treated ourselves to ice cream beautiful creamy gorgeous ice cream made on a farm Zak had a scoop of clotted cream and one of honey comb i had clotted cream and black currents and coconut.....lovely.

We then sauntered down to the cove, the smell of salty air was something i hadn't smelt in some years, not just the sandy beach smell but one that promised rock pools and seaweed in abundance. The cove is remarkably spherical with a small harbour entrance, lots of limestone and pebbles and kids clambering on the rocks with nets, a pastime as a kid i couldn't get enough off and peered in again as if a child looking to see if i would see a stickleback dart under a rock or the hint of a crab claw....no such luck too many had been there before. We found a reasonably comfortable rock and sat together looking out at the view and the various people passing around us, in the sun enjoying the ambiance.

We then set off for the supermarket only then to be drawn towards durdle dur, we followed the signs and found ourselves parked on a cliff top a little way in the distance was the formation of durdle dur but was a bit of a trek too far considering we really had other things to concentrate on...i was loving the time Zak and i weren't arguing he was enjoying the scenery as much as me and every time we passed through a quaint little village with thatched cottages the city boy would say oh mum we should come and live here!
We walked along the cliff a little way and then returned to the car and after driving for ages ended up in Poole where we bought the goods required. It had been a great day and ended with Zak and i sitting on sofa's in the middle of a field in Camp Bestival underneath the stars chatting.

That night in the tent was freezing! i didn't sleep until 6.30 when the sun appeared to warm my bones i finally appeared on the stall at 10.30. We worked pretty hard i think Zak was warned to stay away from the front of the cake stall but couldn't resist instead of wandering off to have fun he much preferred getting involved with serving customers. He added up ok and cut good slices for the customers, he told them what each cake was and was very polite. In fact as Lorna and Chunk whose business it is commented that he had been more help than the girls who had come along to help in the end. He worked like a trojan apart from when he met two girls whose mothers worked on the churro's stall....free churro's!!! he would on occasion hang out with them or they would come and stand byt he stall whilst he served chatting.....and giggling, he would later develop a fan club of another couple of girls who thought he was 'cool'
That night he hung out with the girls and i went to see Hot Chip it was 3 am before i returned and i could see him fast asleep in his tent. Again another cold night and less sleep my legs ached and me feet hurt but the stall was busy so time went quickly. I had another snooze by a tall fence keeping us away from the general public.....i was so tired i didn't notice it fall over me without hitting me and Chunk moving it back into position again!

One of the things Zak loved was that we got to camp in the main area behind the stall, i also managed to leave the car there too....no lugging ruck sacks and tents over miles of fields to get to our camping position, he thinks i should bake my cakes and have my own stall at Glastonbury so that we can camp near everything again!
That night we went and met up with friends of Lorna and Chunks who have a paella stall really nice crowd...we went on to dance in the speigal tent which was packed the night before there were far less people when we danced to discs made of shellac!
Zak loved the late night out with us and again was just such great company no moaning or complaining we headed back before the others as i needed to try and sleep.

The last day although Lorna encouraged me to go and see a band i really didn't have the where with all mainly because my legs ached so much i had cramp in the tent and then on the stall my thumb suddenly went into spasm, really weird.
We completed the day saw the paella people whilst Zak hung out with his girl friends again then i headed back having packed up in the morning i was ready to get home to a comfortable bed. I found Zak in the stall and we got into the car around midnight and headed home. I took a couple of stops to sleep and soon was sooo pleased to be back at home. I went straight to bed and asleep.
I woke up around 9 feeling really rough i was hot but felt cold and realised that i must have a  temperature. It is drilled into you when on chemo that you must! notify the hospital if you have a temperature so i called suite 8 Jean the chemo nurse answered and said i should come in. I had! to have a bath first and then fell asleep again she called to tell me to come so a friend came and helped me there.
Turned out i had a temperature of 38.4 so Jean gave me a bolus of antibiotics as they thought my picc line which had been infected and taken out the previous Wednesday was the cause. The dose immediately made me gag and i started to retch....... about half hour later i did actually throw up nicely in a bowl but the poor people hearing me gag in the suite. They decided to admit me and a porter wheeled me to Laurel ward.
I spent two days there with regular intravenous antibiotics and regular bloods. Later the first day they appeared with a couple of soluble tablets, i had a low potassium and needed to take the foul tasting tablets in water.
I also had low calcium my bowels were really loose and probably contributed to the mineral reduction. When i was finally released after a deal to return that night for another dose of antibiotics......i didn't ....i felt better than i had in ages suddenly i wasn't walking like an old woman and my legs had stopped aching!!
Who knew! ? i don't think i had an infection neither did one of the doctors, i think i was just run down but i would have carried on with the aching legs and lethargy that i have had for a few months. I feel sooo so much better and more inclined to cook and get things sorted and take the poor dogs for more walks than i had been doing.
The days in hospital co incided with a trip planned to Manchester for an Olympic match between Morocco and Spain my friend Tony drove the boys up for me and came back i had to arrange last minute train travel to get them back which cost a fortune, but they had a nice little adventure together up north!