Control

I was thinking tonight how annoyed i am with cancer for affecting who i am....not internally but physically yes should be the least of my worries but i didn't choose to have short grey hair, i guess i can change that but at the moment its a cheap option.
I have aged too.....maybe i look the same as i would anyway but i can't help thinking that it has happened more quickly.
Potassium deficiency turned me into an old woman hardly able to work up to a good pace anywhere i walked and if i did i was acutely aware that it was an effort. Early menopause, however i seem to be coping well in this area.....weight gain... comfort eating between chemos and my hands! and feet! The capecitabine has turned my hands into leather, tight dark coloured and itchy! dry skin cracked on one finger and my feet no better cracked and sore and dry and a funny colour.
Don't get me wrong i love the idea of getting old it is a privilege and one i will be very lucky to experience, when i see old people i envy them now their ability to get to an age where their kids are grown and they can play with their grandchildren, if only i was ten years older i could at last have experienced possibly my boys marriage or first child and know that they were old enough to ook after themselves. As it is the aim is to see zak to 18.....! 6 years and for goodness sake 18 is no age anyway.
I think losing control is why i sometimes take control in my own way. I am notorious for arriving at chemo sessions or blood letting at a time that i choose, i don't meant to be flippant or unreliable but i think it is my subconscious  control mechanism. I made a deal to leave hospital by going back to have an intravenous antibiotic...i didn't.
 Don't get me wrong i wouldn't do anything that would greatly affect my health but one doc had already indicated that she didn't think infection was my problem and neither did i....... i am still here!
Going on holiday,  deciding how to manage my hands and feet, arriving late being flippant about my situation, it's control i know how i feel, i don't like being dictated to.......maybe not the best way of dealing with things but it suits me!